Procrastination is not my friend. How many times can I tell myself that I will start my new diet tomorrow, or once our house guests have left, once the vacation is over, once the candy store in the cupboard has been depleted and therefore temptation has been removed? So. Many. Times.
So, today is the day. I do have a house guest (mother-in-law), I am on vacation (for this week at least), the cupboard IS full of candy, but I have changed. I have decided not to be a part of it. I am taking control back.
So. This is it. This time. This chance. My time.
I have done it before and I can do it again.
You all don't know me yet, so here is a bit of background. I have always been bigger, but it didn't bother me (well, it did, but not a great deal) and I put a lot of that down to naivety. I was naive. I wasn't aware of the consequences of what I was putting into my body. And to be honest, I didn't really care. I fell in love, and we moved in together, we got married and then almost 7 years ago we had our first son.
Almost 6 years ago we made the life changing move to Canada. Not because it was a life long dream, and not because we thought long and hard about it. Not because we wanted a better life, but because it seemed like a good idea and the time, it was better than relocating to Scotland and well, what an adventure. What I didn't realize (being the ripe old age of 25, and a mere child) was that it was going to be a huge struggle. A struggle that would see me on a path of self destruction, weight gain and self hatred. A path where I wouldn't really know who I was and how I was meant to fit into this life anymore.
Fast forward to 2008, a heartbreaking miscarriage and my weight topped out at 200lbs. I fell pregnant again in January 2009 and felt so sick with the pregnancy that I gained a mere 6lbs in my 9 months. I looked better than I had done in a long time. I noticed my face was thinner, my thighs were thinner, and I knew that once I stopped resembling a watermelon smuggler, I would look thinner. And I did. Once I had my 2nd son, the weight started to fall off. It was time to get serious, and i joined a gym, took up running and generally started to learn about what I was putting in my body (sausages aren't good for you - WHO KNEW?).
To cut a long story short... or not, its already pretty long... I dropped a lot of weight and at my lowest weight weighed in at 117lbs. Was I happy? HELL NO. Am I more self conscious about my weight and my body now than I ever have been? Um. Yeah. Do I often feel fatter now than in my bona fied former fatty days? Depressingly yes.
I have too much skin. It's gross but true. I didn't just shrink and suddenly gain a perfect body. Things wobble where I wished they wouldn't. I still can't wear a 2 piece bathing suit, because my stomach is revolting. REVOLT.ING. It is flabby, and wrinkly, and just no one needs to see that mess.
I still go to the gym, I still run (I complete my 1st half marathon earlier this year) and I am proud of my achievements. But more than that, I am ashamed. I am ashamed of who I was, and what it meant and the fact that I am still not happy no matter what I do.
I have gained a little back. Not a great deal, but I couldn't seem to stick at 117. It was like my body wasn't comfortable at that weight and wanted to spring back. I now gain & loose the same 8lbs over and over again hitting a usual (for me) 125lbs. That was the weight this morning on the scale.
I have to change this. If I ever hope to gain a body that looks good, not just a happy number on a scale and I sure, no, make that positive, I need to drop even more weight, rid my body of this unwanted stored body fat and hopefully shrink...
I have been reading other blogs about weight loss journeys, looking into methods and I am inspired and motivated to start this.
My name is Sasha and I want to be anything but ordinary
